japanSo after being bombarded with various flash cartoons explaining why I am killing the environment I thought, "well, I don't really care, but what the hell... maybe I'll still ride a bike to do errands when I get home. It's healthy and ecologically friendly." But here in Japan I live in a pretty big city... nothing is more than about two or three miles away. Any type of bike will get you to where you are going and you don't have to think much about pacing. In America I live in a suburb of either Chicago or Detroit, both of which are very spread out. I figured if I wanted to continue riding a bike in the States I should look up some tips on what to buy, types of bicycle, etc.
I looked up "commuter bicycling" and a couple variations of that phrase and came up with mostly personal web pages and forums discussing the use of a pedal bicycle as a commuting vehicle. Now, I had heard before that environmental people can be very annoying at times, and that those who ride bikes to commute are very "holier than thou". I didn't really believe it until I started reading the web sites. I looked up about 10 pages, and each and every one was written by a douche bag.
The first I saw was written by some old guy who goes on about how in order to really commute on a bike you must ride something like twenty miles a day and train on the weekends. Basically he is a true bicycle enthusiast who is trying to get others to become the same through a combination of guilt and oddly empty promises (you will be more sexually attractive if you bicycle more!) He also included one of the dorkiest things you can on a website, a list of "ways to know you are a cycle enthusiast". (I don't have the link at the moment, I'll post it when I find it again.)
The next site starts out telling you that you ride a bike wrong. Pretty much no matter what, unless you follow the same regiment as these people, you ride a bike incorrectly. Again the author comes off as a douche and tells you once again that in order to simply commute to work you must train in your free time. I also find it amusing that on both websites they list "companionship (ride with a friend!)" as a perk to bicycle commuting. I personally would never want to even hang out with these people, let alone ride a bike with them.
Douche bag #2's site:
http://www.bicyclinglife.com/PracticalCycling/commuteguide.htm
The forums were all the same: Bicycle folks complaining. They complain about other, "poser" cyclists, they complain about cars, they complain about not having bike paths, they complain about the bike paths they have... it's just silly. Occasionally they will have a thread about equipment or technique, but as far as I could see it always just degraded into a "my way is best! NO! MY way is best!" style argument.
So after doing some research I have decided not to continue my cycling when I return to the United States. According to everything I have read I will have to devote a fair amount of time to simply getting in good enough shape to ride a bike as a commuter, and after that I will have to use a lot of my free time to keep up that condition. Other bike commuters will cast a very critical eye on me and most likely judge me as a "fair weather" environmentalist or poser or whatever. Even if I did get into good enough shape, I would apparently become an elitist asshole with a subtle but biting sense of unwarranted self importance.
So there you have it, I have been convinced to use only motor vehicles by opponents of motor vehicles. A word of advice to commuter bicycle proponents: Don't tell people they suck at riding then say they should ride a bike. It's confusing.
Also, as a personal note, they never addressed my main excuse for not wanting to ride a bike: I don't want to and it wouldn't be fun.
-Maru!
My kids part 11
Unique case 4: The Sweetest Little Girl Ever
It’s really not all bad. For this, the final installment of My Kids while I am still working (Well, I worked today so I think that counts), I have chosen my absolute favorite kid, The Sweetest Little Girl Ever. She is in the second grade, meaning I only get to see her in class once every two months or so, but I do get to see her in the halls and outside of school.
I always talk with The Sweetest Girl. She makes real attempts to learn as much English as possible and always speaks very clear Japanese to me. It’s rare that I even have to ask her to repeat herself. She will often ask me how to say things in English and, unlike pretty much every other student I have, she actually remembers about 90% of what I tell her. She has made amazing leaps in her language learning since I met her last year. She is the only kid that I teach who uses articles (the, an and a).
The Sweetest Little Girl has a soft voice and she never yells or uses an annoying accent. She smiles a lot and loves to play games. Usually when I see her, she will tell me a story about her family or friends, like what they did on the weekend or what they plan on doing soon. She tells me about her mom, what she had for dinner, her favorite books… pretty much anything that she views as important. She has this adorable manner about her, so no matter how mundane the subject, I find myself enthralled. When she does speak English her accent is surprisingly good despite the fact that she only gets an hour of class every two months (I asked her once, and no, she has no outside English classes).
When I first started teaching I tried to make a point to never touch the kids in any way so I could avoid misunderstandings. However, every time I had The Sweetest Little Girl in class she would always run up to me. I would greet her with a happy “hello!” (note: not “harro!”), but she would stop about three feet in front of me and just smile. I found out later that she asked her teacher if I didn’t like her.
“Why wouldn’t I like her?” I asked the teacher.
“Because you don’t give her a hug.” She replied.
The next class when The Sweetest Girl made a beeline for me I ducked down and sure enough, she ran right into my arms and gave me a great big hug. I embraced her back and after that class began. I have to admit I felt pretty happy for the rest of the week.
The Sweetest Little Girl Ever always makes my day brighter every time I see her. When I have kids one day, especially if I have a daughter, I want them to be exactly like The Sweetest Girl Ever. I want them to be gentle, inquisitive and respectful just like she is. I would even hope that my daughter looks a little like her, because she is just as cute as a button. I know that once I go home I won’t see her again until she is on TV for curing cancer or something. I know she will grow up and do great things.
It’s very strange. Even though the ratio of good to bad kids is so terribly stacked in the bad column’s favor, this one kid has made my time working here worthwhile. After teaching The Sweetest Girl, I understand what they mean when they say “if I can reach just one kid, then it was all worth it”. Because I did… and it was.
My kids part 10
Unique case file 3: Choice-kun
A strange oddity indeed is the one I have come to know as Choice-kun. He is an archetypical Captain Faggot: Junior High School student, bleached and teased hair, fake tan, low pants, ugly jewelry… but Choice-kun holds the distinction of being just a little stranger.
Choice-kun gets his name for his odd habit of yelling out the English word “choice” at the end of sentences. This started one day when I was handing out papers. I gave one to Choice-kun and he looked at me and just said, “Choice!”
“Um, what?” I asked
“Choice! Sensei… CHOICE!” he repeated.
“Uhhhhhh…. HUH?”
“Sensei, kono koto ga CHOICE da ze!”
This stuff is choice. Okay, it makes sense as American slang, but why is he using it? It sounds like the kind of thing a guy who drives a Camero would say about some girl (“bitch is totally choice, bro”). I asked if he knew what it meant, and he repeated “CHOICE!” I decided to leave it alone.
Later, Choice-kun got worse with his new word. I was handing out fans as a prize for a game, when suddenly Choice-kun yells out, “Senaei! Uchiwa CHOICE! CHOICE ne? Ne sensei? Boku mo uchiwa hoshii CHOICE!” (an uchiwa is a type of fan that does not fold up)
Translation: Teacher! Fan choice! Choice, right? Right teacher? I want a fan too choice!
Needless to say, I don’t think he really knows what that word means (inconceivable!). He will go about saying “choice” pretty much all day and he will use it regardless of context. The funniest part about Choice-kun is that he will say his word with such conviction; he almost makes you believe that he knows what he is saying. I think he has even convinced himself that saying “choice” all the time is not only acceptable but it makes perfect sense! I mean, choice, right?
Choice-Kun is only annoying in the strictest sense of the word. Sure, he is loud and obnoxious, but he is harmless and, quite honestly, funny. He just really likes to say choice! Nothing wrong with that. As my kids go Choice-kun is one of my better liked. He isn’t really rude or mean, just weird. I only hope that if he decides to go to an English speaking country he breaks his habit of saying “choice” all the time… I think it could lead to some undue confusion. Don’t you think so too CHOICE!
Please not that I have other kids who repeat a single word like Choice-kun, but they are no where near as amusing. They usually speak with a terrible accent and with no conviction. When Choice-kun says “choice”, by God, he means it!
My kids part 9
Unique case file 2: The worst kid in the world.
There are annoying kids, there are rude kids, and there are violent kids. So what happens when you combine all of these traits into one horrible little package? Why, you end up with The Worst Kid in the World! A hell spawn of unimaginable proportions, The Worst Kid does everything to let you know that he is a horrible little brat. From using English swears to speaking in a retarded accent to hitting other kids, The Worst Kid does it all.
I have even personally been assaulted by The Worst Kid in the World once or twice. He just walked up to me and said (in his retarded little accent), “Aw, Herro! Ai amu… Unchi! (poop) Pii pii!” then proceeded to start punching me in the thigh and knee at full force. The kid can cause some surprising damage for being so small. The teacher grabbed him, thankfully and he just started laughing. As far as I can tell, he thinks causing harm is hilarious.
He will often get up during class and walk over to other students at random, punch them (sometimes in the face), then return to his seat like nothing happened. I sometimes feel like the kid has a form of Attachment Disorder, a mental disease that makes it impossible for a person to ever like another human being. Even the other kids that like him (bullies, all) seem a little afraid of him.
On his best days he will just throw his desk to the floor and laugh at the loud bang. On his worst days it’s like he has declared all out war on everything around him. The teacher in his class often has to restrain him using both arms in a bear hug. I guess we can be thankful that he is pretty small. I have ceased playing games in his class because The Worst Kid will always ruin everyone else’s good time. If you give The Worst Kid a handout, he will make sure you see him crumple it up and throw it out. And lucky me, I get to have this kid in class every week.
There is nothing good to say about The Worst Kid in the World. He has never given me any reason to like him and I don’t think he ever will. He strikes me like a young sociopath and I don’t know how he can be in class, unless he only acts this way during English lessons (which would mean you can add “racist” to his already overly long laundry list of problems). Of all the things I am glad I will be escaping when I quit my job, The Worst Kid in the World is the one that I celebrate the most. The Worst Kid is unique in the worst possible way, but thank god there is only one.
My kids part 8: The Parrot
I would argue that the bane of every ALT is the dreaded Parrot. Boy or girl, young or old, they are always there and they are very hard to deal with. This is because they make it a point to repeat everything you say. Every. Last. Word. They will even go so far as to repeat any instructions that you say for games or directions such as “stand up” or “look up here”.
There are two very distinct types of Parrot, benign and belligerent. The benign type usually seem like they have some sort of mental defect. They will repeat everything you say in a very un-ironic way. If you say “very good!” to another student the Parrot will inevitably say “berry goo!” in a way as close to your own as possible. It’s like they want to please the ALT, but have no idea what they are supposed to do. I don’t think the benign Parrot ever really learns any English, but they are very good at making noises.
The belligerent Parrot is a different story. They will repeat things in a grotesque way to illicit a laugh from their fellow students. If you say, “Very good!” to another student, this type of Parrot will scream “Berrrriiii GOOOOOOOOOOdOOOOOOO!” using a “funny” voice. They will then break into laughter. If you turn to them and say “stop that” they will smile broadly and say “SUTOOOOOPPUUUU zaAAAAAATTToO!” if you then use the Japanese, “dame da yo”, oh the can of worms you have opened.
Your Japanese will never be good enough for the belligerent Parrot. The fact that Japanese has left your mouth will cause anywhere from howling laughter to constant mocking. They will repeat whatever Japanese you say in what they believe to be an English accent. This involves forcing everything they say through their nose. This makes them sound like complete idiots although they usually seem to think it’s pretty cool.
The belligerent Parrot will also mime any movements you make. Point at something and they will point too. Cross your arms and they do too. Jump up and down and they will get out of their seat to do the same. Every time they do this they will be sure to make eye contact with you. They will not break this eye contact until you acknowledge the fact that they are trying to make fun of you. The expression on the face of a belligerent Parrot is always that of satisfied smugness.
Parrots are very common, at least one to a class in grade school. They do exist at the Junior high school level but usually just in the miming form. Benign Parrots can just be ignored, but belligerent ones can be quite a handful as they really want you to know that they are making fun of you. On occasion ignoring them works, but a better strategy is to give them a string of words that it will be impossible for them to repeat. This leads to the Parrot attempting to repeat, followed by slurring and eventual failure. Once a Parrot finds it too hard to repeat, they often give up for the rest of the class.
My Kids Part 7: Racist Kid
It’s a well known fact that Japanese people are racist, but they are pretty good at hiding it. Kids… not so good. When you run into a Racist Kid it can be pretty hard to deal with. They hate English, they hate taking orders and most of all they hate YOU.
Racist Kids come in both male and female variations. If you are lucky you will get a female as they tend to just shy away from you or at worst cry when you get near them or call on them to answer. Girl Racist Kids are actually pretty rare… I’ve only dealt with one that I know of and I only found out much later that she was, in the words of my more tactful teachers, “scared of foreigners.” Strangely she hasn’t been in my class since the incident, which by the way, consisted of me calling on her and asking “What’s your name?”
Racist boys are slightly more common and far harder to deal with. The worst ones will tell you every time that your language is stupid. They hate you. You are stupid. You are ugly. And so on. The only nice thing about Racist Kids is that even though they continue to exist at the third grade level they have learned to be more tactful and will usually hide their racism.
At least, they will stop doing it directly to your face. More often you will see them mocking your speech and movements with their friends (similar to The Parrot, Part 8). When called upon they will often act surprised, smile broadly and either speak Japanese only or vomit out something that sounds similar to what they are supposed to be learning.
“Okay, your question is, ‘Can you fly?’” (kids usually like this one because it is silly)
“noaikenttoo.”
“Huh?”
“NO aikentyu.”
“Um, you mean ‘no I can’t’?”
“Sou da ze!” Followed by looking to their friends for approval of the joke.
Racist Kids are pretty common in one for or another, but the ones I mentioned earlier are pretty rare. Most, even the youngest ones, are good at hiding the fact they hate you for being born somewhere else. Dealing with Racist Kids also depends on what degree of racist they are. Some are just fine, others impossible. Best to use discretion with them until you understand which kind you are dealing with.
Special note: Probably the most interesting thing about Japanese racism is exactly what they notice is physically different about themselves and foreigners. Black people are often told how dark their skin is, but white and Latin folks are more often than not told that their noses are long. Nothing about eye shape or skin tone (as most non-Asians are wont to point out first), but rather nose shape and length. I have yet to figure out why this is...
My Kids part 6: The Baldy Head
I don’t know what it is with Japanese people willingly filling stereotypes, but I guess it makes them easier to pick out. The Baldy Head is a grade school age boy that chooses to shave his head. Personality traits of these kids are always the same: they think they are the funniest people alive because they can repeat the shit that comedians do on TV.
I should explain something about Japanese comedy. At any given time, there is a widely accepted “funny joke” being repeated. As of this writing, the “funny joke” is a guy with a moustache, wearing a suit and singing Karaoke. The “funny” part is that he contorts his face by opening his mouth, curling his lip, and closing one eye so as to look like he is really belting out a tune. That’s it. That’s the whole joke. In order to be “funny” people will just strike this pose… and that’s exactly what the Baldy Heads do.
Before, it was the “Opappi!” guy, whose whole routine was pumping his fist for a second before spreading his arms and yelling, you guessed it, “Opappi!” Again, that’s it. That’s the whole joke. Needless to say it gets old pretty fast, especially when repeated so often.
And repetition is the bread and butter of the Baldy Head. If they choose not to use a pop-culture reference, they will instead latch on to a joke of their own design. This means that every time you see that particular Baldy Head, he will refer to himself as “Michael Jackson”.
“Hey, I’m Michael Jackson!” “I’m Michael Jackson!” “Sensei… I’m Michael Jackson!” Yes, this is a real example taken from my real experience. It didn’t matter what question was asked, the answer was to remind me and the class that his name was “Michael Jackson”.
It’s not wise to expect a straight answer from a Baldy Head:
What food do you like? “I’m Michael Jackson!”
Where are you from? “Michael Jackson!”
Why am I still bothering calling on you when I know you’re just going to say ‘I’m Michael Jackson’? “I’m… MICHAEL JACKSON!!”
The worst ones will continue to recite their “funny joke” ad infinitum. If they feel that you are ignoring them, well hey! That’s a perfect time to remind you that they are Michael Jackson!
Baldy Heads still exist in Junior High School, albeit in a subdued form. They still think they are funny right up until 3rd year, but by that time most seem to have given up and instead become somewhat surly. Baldy Heads are very common; I often have several in a class. Sometimes they work off of each other but it is more common to have each one in his own little one joke world. Baldy Heads are disruptive, and rude, but rarely violent (although my very worst kid is a violent Baldy Head, Part 9). They will almost always be trying unsuccessfully to outsmart the ALT, so they can be used as a source of amusement as you see fit.
My Kids part 5: Super Slut
I once read an article written by an ALT that claimed that “girls save ‘being hot’ for the High School years. I work at a Junior High School (hence, no 'hot' girls)”. I envy this guy, because according to this he has never has to deal with a Super Slut.
There are three types, and they are arranged here in ascending order.
Slut: Lots of makeup and no interest in school. They will often come to class wearing about twice as much foundation and mascara as Tammy Fae Baker, and yet they will still continue applying more throughout the day. They are harmless but a little scary to look at. They will often be somewhat popular.
Advanced Slut: The advanced slut wears the same amount of makeup as the slut, but slightly more proficiently (think porn star style), and are equally disinterested in class. The Advanced Slut has an edge on the regular slut because they are prone to hiking their skirt up very high. Some do this to such an extreme degree that their panties can be seen even while they are just standing. Hair begins to become important to the girls at this stage, but not as important as it is to the final level:
Super Slut: Take all of the above traits and add wearing loose shirts that show off… well, not a whole lot and long fingernails and ultra bleached hair to the mix. Now stir in some fake tan and you got yourself a Super Slut. Outside of school these girls look like they went to an Adult Film second hand store to do their clothes shopping. Ultra short skirts, thigh high stockings, off the shoulder loose tops and four to five inch heels are the norm. The funniest part is that they don’t seem to think of this obviously sub-porn star apparel to be slutty. “Cute” they call it. But then again, this is a nation that calls Paris Hilton “cute” (you know, instead of “hideous bitch”).
While the Slut and Advanced Slut are uncommon, the Super Slut is pretty rare. I only had one last year and two this year. I think the Super Slut has a kind of leadership position among the girls in any given school, meaning the position is rare by design and not happenstance. Super Sluts can be very disruptive at times and are by far the most prone to asking inappropriate questions. Avoiding them is suggested.
